So Little time

First, happy anniversary to my wife Niqi (pronounced Nikki - it's short for Monique). We've been together 11 years now.

It's a Sunday afternoon and writing this blog is a break from doing some overtime trying to catch up on my day job work. Over the last couple of years I've come to really resent my job. Mostly because it feels like a drain of time and energy, leaving me with nothing left to accomplish the things I actually want to do. There's a bit a vicious cycle to it. If I get a bit behind, I get discourage and become distracted, which puts me even more behind - compounding the problem. It wasn't always like this. I used to love my job and get a great deal of satisfaction from it. But in the past few years volume has increased substantially and we're still expected to get through it. It's like that Dilbert comic where the boss says - "Think of work as its own reward... Expect to be rewarded a lot more in the coming year."

I've got a long list of things to do: renovations, of course. But also my other projects I'm doing in an attempt to make money - on-line stores. I'm also setting up a Kung-Fu items shop in my Kung-Fu school. And of course, time with family, time to exercise, time for the pets, making meals, regular house-hold chores, etc. etc. etc.

I'm not a type A. Frankly I'm kind of lazy. I sleep in lots and hit the snooze button dozens of times. Thankfully I don't have a commute so I don't have the embarrassment of walking into the office late all the time. But if I sleep late, I have to work late. A good work ethic was something I developed in my 20s, but it's not a natural thing - I have to work at it. Then there's the energy issue. I may have a free evening, but if I've already worked a full day and overtime I'm often too exhausted to get up the energy to do anything significant.

I like living in a clean and neat place, but I'm messy and don't like to clean much (and it's low on the priority scale)

My kids (8 and 10 years old) are very talented mess makers, but are as stubborn as mules when it comes to doing chores. (I promise to wrie nice things about them in my blog at some point instead of just complainng - they really are great kids).

My wife has Fibromyalgia which puts her in constant pain (see side bar for a link to her blog). It's the worst type of disability I can think of other than brain injuries and brain diseases. First, there is constant pain that makes doing anything difficult and excruciatingly painful. If you have a somewhat good day and overdo it (and by overdo I mean do a fraction of what others would consider light work) - then you pay for it with a week of pain. Doctors don't know what causes it or how to effectively treat it, and there are no concrete tests for it. Which means many Dr.'s will tell you stupid things like it's all in your head etc. and basically treat you like a whiner. Reaction from family is generally no better - you see, with fibro, you don't look sick. So there's a big stigma to t. Many will consider you lazy and useless. Trust me - my wife would rather have both legs amputated than have to spend the rest of life with Fibro. It sucks more than you can imagine for her.
It's no picnic for me either. She can't clean much, she can't work, and she needs nursing.
I HATE nursing. I really dislike taking care of sick people - so having a wife who is constantly in pain is very frustrating for me. Her inability to contribute financially is frustrating in the extreme. And her limited ability to contribute much in the way of house work or renovations (at least without great painful sacrifices on her part) means that the great majority of work falls on my shoulders.

You know those women who complain that they have to work, take care of the kids, their husband etc and all he does is watch sports - it's kinda like that, but at least my spouse has a valid reason. Granted, Niqi does most of the child-care, but everything else is pretty much left to me. I have to prioritize, which means the house can go months without cleaning while I pursue other projects. The lawn is infrequently mowed. Projects can sit half-finished for weeks. My eldest daughters bedroom has sat vacant for the past month waiting for me to finish scraping the mold out of the ceiling which I could only tolerate doing for about 10 minutes at a time.

Some days I get a burst of energy and can plow through something at a quick pace without tiring for hours. But they are few and far between and I have no idea what triggers them. If I did, I'd be triggering them all the time.
Most of the time I can sit and stare at the to do list or project in front of me for long minutes trying to get the energy to dive in, like standing on the high diving board repeatedly counting to try trying to gather up get the courage to jump in.

One thing I really appreciate about my projects that is lacking from my work is the "once it's done, it's done" factor. Like cleaning, my work just keeps piling up. It's never done, there's always more and more and more. There's no sense of accomplishment where you can sit back and say it's done and admire your handiwork. There used to be. When volume was limited so that I could clean off my desk and take a deep breath, I felt great. On those days I went home smiling. But now there's often more on my desk at the end of the day than when I start. That's why I like working on the weekends - there's no email or new cases coming in. I can see the pile going down. During the week, the pile doesn't go down.
With renovation and other projects, there's a sense of accomplishment. A day later, a week later, a month later - I can look at what I've done and feel satisfied. It's there, it still looks great.

I look forward to the day when I can complete projects that generate money. Where something I build or got going months or years ago is still paying dividends. That must be a good feeling. I just have not ye been able to achieve that, yet. I will someday - if I can ever find the time!